ℑ ; enough you and I enough of the fight

(no subject)

I don't think Zack realizes how happy it makes me/how much it helps to hear things like "i found us a great tapas place," and "you'd love it here," re: him being in the bay. cus it's hard, it's always going to be hard. because we both have huge lives without each other. he has a wonderful fucking life there, with friends, and his work, and he knows so many people that much be just fantastic, that yknow sometimes i'm like, god how do you not just forget about me. and then i hear him say these things and see how much he misses me and i remember that he feels the same way. that everything really is wonderful, but we're not sharing it together so somehow, its just not as good as it could be.
ℑ ; enough you and I enough of the fight

(no subject)

I promise to myself that I will take better care of myself and do more things for me. Being over here has changed a lot of things for me. I am more isolated. I don't do the self care that I used to because I don't have access to the products and resources that I used to. I need to start doing those things for me.

I want to go for 45 minute walks at least three times a week. Without any podcast or music at least once. I need time to relax and clear my head.

Take physical care of my own body. Love and nourish my skin. Buy nice things for myself that help me accomplish that.

Eat more. I don't buy groceries much. I eat so much less than I did at home. And I know I'm starting to fall into a pattern of not eating very much and it's not healthy.

ℑ ; enough you and I enough of the fight

(no subject)

Kathleen and I officially decided to leave March 1st or 2nd on our tour of South East Asia. I caaaan't fucking wait. Once it hits like, September I think things are going to move so much fucking faster.
ℑ ; enough you and I enough of the fight

(no subject)

Summer in the city
Means cleavage, cleavage, cleavage

And I started miss you, baby, sometimes

I've been staying up drinking
In the late night establishments
Telling strangers personal things

Summer in the city
I'm so lonely, lonely, lonely

So I went to a protest
Just to rub up against strangers
And I did feel like coming
But I also felt like crying
And it doesn't seem so worth it right now

And the castrated ones stand in the corner smoking
They want to feel the bulges in their pants start to rise
At the sight of a beautiful woman
They feel nothing
But anger
Her skin makes them sick in the night

Nauseous, nauseous, nauseous

Summer in the city
I'm so lonely, lonely, lonely

I've been hallucinating you, babe
At the backs of other women
And I tap 'em on the shoulder
And they turn around smiling but
There's no recognition in their eyes

Oh, summer in the city!
Means cleavage, cleavage, cleavage

Don't get me wrong, dear
In general I'm doing quite fine

It's just when it's summer in the city
And you are so long gone from the city I start to miss you, baby, sometimes

When it's summer in the city
And you are so long gone from the city
I start to miss you, baby, sometimes

Oh, I start to miss you, baby, sometimes
ℑ ; enough you and I enough of the fight

(no subject)

I know Conor keeps telling me he's gonna try and see if he can come out here in August for my break but I feel like it's not going to happen.
I was so excited to have something to do for break in August.
Coming over here, I accepted the fact that I wouldn't see anyone for a year.
But now that the possibility existed and it gotten taken away from me it just fucking hurts.
It makes me feel so shitty tbh. Which is really unfair to people, but still.

ℑ ; enough you and I enough of the fight

living together pros/cons

pros

  • I probably (absolutely) will not be able to afford rent on my own in san francisco without being really far out of the city. and if that were the case I would have to devote a lot of time to trying to find somewhere to live/checking places out and that would not be very possible or effective for me to do all the way from Seoul while all the while packing/getting ready for my trip/applying for school there. It also doesn't make sense for me to find a roommate? How would I even do that? And then the issue again of checking out a place would come up. not to mention, checking out a person? would I be living with a serial killer?

  • it is the easiest possible living situation, for me, at least. i could move out there without hassle.

  • coming home to Zack.

  • it makes the most sense. after being apart for so long we are obviously going to want to spend the majority of our free time together. what sense would it make for me to get my own place when we would be spending most nights together? it doesn't make logical or financial sense to live apart.

  • I think we are ready for that step. Yeah, we haven't had a regular relationship but I think we have gotten to know each other's quirks pretty well. Being together for long periods of time in Louisiana was easy. There weren't any things that bothered me about being with him that I would find as something unable to handle and eventually resent him for. At the point we are looking to live together we will have been dating (monogamous and serious about one another) for almost 2 years. that's not an unreasonable amount of time to want to move in with each other after. I don't think we are moving too fast.

  • I want to make dinner for him. I want to put his towel in the dryer while he's in the shower in the morning so it's warm. I want to do those kinds of things for him. I wanna have lazy afternoons together in bed. I want to experience all that with him. It would be nice.

  • Zack looks hot cooking food. Zack looks hot doing lots of things. I would get to see all those things.

  • You're so comfortable around him, even when it comes to dealing with your anxiety. It would be hard but he's already proven that he's so good when it comes to that. It would be easier than living with most people.

  • I think we are strong enough to do this.

  • I don't want to be long distance anymore.

cons

  • Does Zack feel the same way about the pros?

  • We are both really independent people, will definitely get sick of one another at times. But this happens to all couples. We both have hobbies and interests of our own that we are comfortable going off and doing. I'm going to be in school (probably) and trying to become a teacher so I will spend a lot of time by myself studying and working on that. Not to mention he is going to be working as well. This is something we'll have to adapt to no matter what.

  • Related to previous con but we haven't lived in close proximity to each other. We'll have habits that annoy each other. He's not the cleanest person and I don't want to be a nag to him for that. But I make noise a lot and I don't want to keep him up at night or ruin his sleeping patterns. Again tho, we'll have to come to terms with this eventually in our relationship if we take the step toward being not long distance.

  • Don't want him to feel like I'm piggy backing or using him for money or a way to get out of Nebraska. That's not what I'm doing, I want to be with him and I really do want to be a teacher.

  • You do weird shit all the time. You do squats while you brush your teeth and wash your face. You sleep with stuffed animals and like to read before bed. You'd have to be comfortable letting him see all this and adapt to him as part of it. That's scary. (But you still like the idea of it so is this even a con??)

  • You haven't met each other's parents. This would feel like you are skipping a step or something.

  • Don't want him to feel like he's my entire life. It's not that I'm planning my life around him, it's that he's important enough to me that I want him to be a major part of my life and I'm willing to factor him into where I want to go because my life is flexible enough that I have the ability to do that. I just don't want him to think that's he's responsible for my happiness or the key to the rest of my future. It's more that everything has fallen into place really well and I'm beyond happy that it could work out this way. Odd con, but I don't want him to feel responsible for my existence out there.

  • You want to have a dog.

  • Does Zack want the same thing?

  • Zack wants to live with Nick, how would we work things out? I don't want to be a burden or ruin his plans, but I don't how else I would make living out there work if I wasn't living with him.

  • I don't know how to bring this up. Has he ever thought about it? Has it even crossed his mind? Do I care more? I need to bring this up because if I am realistically going to plan to go back to school out there I need to start doing it soon. I don't do things on the fly, I rationalize and plan because I'm too emotional to make quick decisions, especially about big things. I want this to be an idea between us that is semi-concrete and that I feel comfortable talking about, but I don't know how to bring it up. It's like, how can I even talk about moving there and being with him without having discussed this idea? It makes me feel weird. I feel like I'm always the one making things emotional and serious and that I don't let him be himself and have fun with our relationship like we used to, but this is something I think needs talking about. I just don't know how.

  • Is this going to ruin our relationship if he disagrees? I don't want to lose him, how is it going to make me feel if he doesn't want this for us?

  • I just don't want to lose him. I'm scared to talk about it.

  • I don't want to spend some of the little time we get together to talk on something that might be really unpleasant. I don't know what to do.

ℑ ; enough you and I enough of the fight

law school: pros/cons

general; facts etc.

  • choice: there's a number of schools to choose from in the bay area, competitive and non. that's nice. there's at least four it looks like i could choose from, choice is a nice problem to have.

  • location: pretty much decidedly going to the bay area. anywhere within the city or surrounding areas. shouldn't be an issue with commuting or getting there. car, still not sure (???)

  • transportation: going back to the car thing, pretty sure I will have one, but can't absolutely count on it. hopefully if i do have one it's small and gas efficient. (if only i was spoiled enough for a prius or a mini) the BART looks meh. doesn't look like the most extensive public transport but i'm sure it's better than none. hey i don't live there tho so this will require further research. i like walking tho and i can do a lot of that. the weather is nice for commuting tho.

  • commitment: law school is a big commitment. it's going take a lot of my time. it's also a commitment to the area. and a commitment of money. it's a really really big commitment and i need to want it.

  • do I want to go part time or full time? this needs further thought.

  • Do I want this?

pros;

  • enjoyability: i'm pretty sure that i would enjoy this kind of work. i enjoy studying law, I like it. I know parts of it would be rewarding. i love activism and everything that goes with it. i love organizing. i would enjoy the non-profit world. I don't think I would be miserable, but could I be happier somewhere else?

  • financial reward: long-term it would be financially beneficial.

cons;

  • cost: law school tuition is a massive financial commitment. i'm used to not having debt. i'm used to my biggest expense being rent. i'm not sure if i want to change this. i know i could get scholarships. i could get a killer LSAT score, i'm 99% sure of this fact. but this would still come with massive financial commitment and a lot of other hidden costs - taking the lsat, studying for the lsat (would probably cut down on tutoring time here, which cuts down on income here), applying to schools, books, etc. might even include having to purchase something like a laptop.

  • time commitment: law school would be a huge time commitment. when i move to the bay i'm looking at possibly not only a big life change, but a really big step for my relationship. i'm going to need time for me and time for our relationship, we are going to finally be a couple that gets to be together so I don't know if the way i want to start the most important relationship in my life at the same time i'm making a commitment to law school. if i'm part time i'll want to work on the side, probably working as a tefl tutor of some sort (hopefully - need more research), but part time would take me longer to complete.

  • stress: do i want to put myself back in the stress of school? the thing is, i'm good at it, i'm good at managing an organized workload. but i'm also going to have to cope with the stress starting NOW as in, applying for schools, studying for the LSAT, and then moving out there. is this something that i can currently cope with an also manage to have a handle on everything else? I think I could do this, I'm excellent at coping, but I'm not sure if I want to do that.

  • ladder climbing: any job in the filed of law is going to require being pretty much some sort of grunt at the start of my career and then coming into my own. it's a big long-term goal oriented situation. i don't know if i'm the kind of person that wants to commit to that sort of job situation. i'm not a fan of the corporate kind of environment.

  • reward: it wouldn't be immediately rewarding. it would require a commitment that would eventually maybe give me a rewarding feeling. at my job right now i'm used to seeing immediate rewards. when i leave work i can pinpoint moments in my day where i made a difference and small things mattered that made me feel great about myself and the difference i'm making in the world. i won't be able to have that feeling immediately. i won't get the social interaction that i'm used to right now. i think a lack of that would have a bit of a negative impact on my happiness.